FEAR NOT- Part 1

“Fear Not, I am with you, I am your God.” (Isaiah 41:10)

If there is anything nerdier than watching a Star Wars marathon it is following it up with a documentary on the Discovery Channel about Star Wars. Well, that is what I did a couple of weeks ago. Like any male between the ages of 30 and 50, I believe Star Wars is the definitive cinematic epic. It isn’t my favorite movie of all time, not even close actually. But no other series is as epic as the journey of Luke Skywalker. However, it wasn’t until I watched the documentary that I realized how epic it actually was. Luke Skywalker, like Odysseus and King Arthur, progresses through a series of greater and greater challenges. Skywalker’s tests are about more than just learning new skills, but about facing deeper fears.

So in the spirit of making things more complicated than they need to be, let me quickly explain what fear is. There are two types of fear: biochemical reactions and emotional responses. The biochemical reactions are how our bodies respond to the trigger. It is typically most evident in increased heart rates and adrenaline levels. The emotional responses are unique to the individual and correspond with individual experiences, attitudes, and beliefs. Fear is an evolutionary process that ensures that the creature experiencing fear survives. As we move up the evolutionary ladder, what constitutes fear also evolves. As humans, our experience with fear is as unique as the individual and so is what the person does with it.

Fear can be completely illogical. For example, I have a fear of frogs. I can’t tell you why, but frogs freak me out. I am good with snakes and spiders, but frogs will trigger the “flight” response from me every time. And mice don’t bother me, until they start squeaking. That sound is evil. Typically, the things that cause fear in people are possibly just as irrational as my fear of frogs, but completely understandable when considering personal experiences. We all develop personal narratives embedded with layers of fear. Most people have created their narratives in such a way that those things that cause fear don’t interfere with their daily functionality. Personally, I apply some cognitive construct rather than acknowledging the fear. In other words, I find something that I can analyze that is disconnected from who I am so I don’t have to engage what actually causes me fear. People create ways to avoid those things that cause fear subconsciously, they use defense mechanisms to respond to things that they can control, and they find ways to push through the situation without ever really encountering what causes them fear. There are a few that are able to address fear and grow from the experiences, but I would say that those people are rare.

I have created a narrative that is packed with fears. The most significant is a fear of being exposed as a fraud. Adolescent insecurities followed by adult “success” created a false sense of arrogance. Even though I tend to believe that people think of me as incompetent I attempt to outweigh that with a created identity. That works fairly well functionally, but it tends to mean that my self-concept is far too inconsistent, changing with each new situation and often changing depending on what situation I am in and what I have previously established as my role for that situation. But here is my real fear: that in developing a genuine relationship with someone whom I have come to respect and admire that I won’t be able to maintain the act and it is obvious that I don’t know what I am doing or what I am talking about. It isn’t that the other person thinks I am a fraud because I already think that. And it isn’t that I think I am a fraud because, again, I already think that. It’s that it becomes obvious to everyone that I am a fraud: that the gig is up.