I have found that maintaining this blog is much harder than
I expected. I was fairly confident that once I sat down and started opening
this stuff up that my thoughts would come flooding out. I was sure that because
there is so much frustration in my life regarding this that I would start
processing it and all the pieces would eventually be exposed and then I could
put them together. But the problem is that I seem to be working with two issues
and I think that I need resolution in one before I can resolve the other. That
is leaving me stuck.
Let’s start with the whole believing in God thing. My head
is telling me that the evidence suggests that God is completely plausible
assuming a new operational definition of God is established. My heart is
telling me that I want to believe, but that I am so discouraged by it that I am
not sure I can. My spirit is telling me that it is having too hard of time know
who it is to know who God is. And my flesh is reminding me that I am way too
big of a screw up to even consider the pursuit of such a noble quest.
But there is another dilemma that is beginning to intensify.
Ironically, even though I am not even sure where I am with the God question, I
can’t seem to shake this desire to return to full time ministry. I miss it so
much. I worry that I could never operate in the way that I did before, but what
I do know feels so unrewarding. I miss so much about it. There was so much
about it that I really hated too, but I believe so much of that frustration
came from a healthy blend of immaturity and bad situations. It would look so
different now and it excites me to think about what it could be. 
