WHAT I WISH I COULD WRITE ABOUT TODAY

Unfortunately I feel compelled to write today. There are a lot of things that I would love to write about. Some are motivated by recent international events and others are not. Here is a list of just a few possible titles that I have based on what is going on in the news:

• Why I am Not All That Patriotic
• Loving Your Enemy: Theory and Practice
• Metacognition and Existentialism
• More Problems with a Teleological Ethic

Unfortunately, despite my desire to add to the already saturated discourse, I find that I simply can’t. I want to be able to reflect on these events in such a way that I am able to provide some new perspective for others or challenge those who are willing to deconstruct these events with rigor and enthusiasm. But all that I feel that I am able to concentrate on today is that I would love to be in the mountains right now. I am not suggesting that I feel guilty that I am not able to make a more significant contribution to the conversation, but that I wish I could and I can’t. It’s a tragic (and somehow empty) victory. That is really all I can say about it. What I do feel guilty about is that I have been keeping this ridiculous blog for quite some time going on and on about how confused I am and what’s wrong with everyone else while the rest of the world needs renewal. I continue to drone about who I am while others are desperate for something much more significant and immediate. This is not to say that I feel guilty about the process of spiritual maturity, but that this blog was intended to help me reconcile these questions for the purpose of something more meaningful and has somehow turned into a soapbox for my own existential angst.

I think I know how this detour happened though. I’m fucked up. Forgive the language (I actually don’t like to cuss) but that is the clearest I can make it. While with one hand I challenge the core beliefs of those I love, with the others I beg for their approval and love. I strive for a clear calling and the opportunity to be a prophetic voice and I apologize to everyone for being offensive. While I want nothing more than to accomplish great things to fill some empty void in me needing to experience success I philosophize myself out of experiencing any degree of achievement. While I piously write about the importance of intimacy and authenticity, I fear the rejection of anyone who may see the real me. And while I complain about a job (that I actually kind of like even if I am not sure I am all that good at it) I cower from taking any risks.

So for today I have no theological exegesis or philosophical critique. I simply want to go to the mountains.