Typically I spend a few days processing what I am going to write about, but after the past few days that I have had I thought that it might just write and see what happens. If I am going to live this authentic thing out then here it i.
I think that the hardest part about the journey that I am on theologically and philosophically is that the certainty is gone. Within my modern, evangelical paradigm there was no doubt, with every frustration there was an open window, God had a plan for me that was sure to ease any existential dilemmas, if there was anything that didn’t quite make sense it was because I just couldn’t see God’s plan, and there was a calling for my life that help build up treasures in heaven. But here I am at 36 having walked away from my “calling”, with debt that I am afraid will follow me for the rest of my life, in a job that is completely unrewarding, not sure what I am doing as a parent half the time (on a good day), and not completely sure what will happen to me after I die. I am forced to look at what my life is today and quit saying that this is all part of a bigger plan. I simply can no longer find comfort in that form of meta-narrative that is rooted in manipulation and exploitation. It is a narrative that is intended to control and subdue the masses. It is elitist and derogatory, As I drove home from the gym tonight reflecting on my current frustrations I realized that I have spent the last few years of my life waiting for thing to fall into place based on this meta-narrative. This is not to say that God is uninvolved and distant, but that life is largely made up of what we do with it.
So then what becomes the purpose of life, struggle, and faith in a world of uncertainties? Truth is only absolute when it is grounded in constants. But there are no constants in a world of uncertainties. Does this mean that humanism and hedonism are the rational approaches to life? No because even that philosophical paradigm requires a constant. Faith requires of us something that acknowledges conviction and hope- or in other words, what we know and what we don’t know. So then what is the purpose of life? Bring glory to that thing that we can’t define. Pursue a calling you can’t understand. Life is about a life of faith that doesn’t make sense.
So as I contemplate my missed calling, my financial distress, my ignorance with parenting and marriage, and my existential angst I have to wonder if I am still waiting for things to click into place or do I accept that I can’t expect life to work out in any certain way or have any predetermined meaning?
I think it's safe to assume life will never work out as we imagined. We are unable to control what happens, so why think it will turn out a certain way? At times situations "click together" but that is not a promise of life. I think what happens to each person is part of a bigger plan - bringing glory to God. How exactly each person's path does that, I am not qualified to say. But, I do know God is to be glorified, and we are created for that reason. Whether it's glory in His love, or glory in His judgment, it is always for His glory. Take that has you want, but that is my belief.
ReplyDeleteBut my point is that it goes beyond things not working out as we imagine, but that there is no "biiger plan" that we are unknowing participants in. This isn't to argue that there aren't things that exist beyond our understanding and that God lacks control of those things. But it is to say that there is something very unsettling about the idea that there is this absolute reality that my story falls into. There is something unsettling about our current use of the word calling that prescribes our identity in Christ. What I know is that bringing glory to God isn't accomplished by making my story fit with the story I have always heard. My problem isn't with God and His purpose for me, it is with Christianity's expectations of me.
ReplyDeleteLike what expectations? Honestly, tell me. Expectations that we are always rejoicing and saying "it'll be okay"? It won't be. We live in a sinful world. And it's okay to say that, to acknowlege the suckiness that is this world, that is our lives and then move on. Moving on not because we are part of a bigger plan, but because what good does it do to dwell on darkness?
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm not following what you said correctly. Are you just questioning the idea of life after this life, questioning that perhaps if there is nothing after this, then what is the bigger plan?
I think we are led to believe that all things do work out in our favor. I think that what "our favor" is isn't what we imagine it to be and people are disappointed by that. Christianity as a system isn't perfect. Too many hands in too many places. But, as a foundation it is truth. It's each person's responsibility to understand Christ and His teachings for themselves. That is true Christianity - a personal relationship with Christ. Of course in many cases masses just want to be fed and led, but God doesn't want that for us.
And you're correct, bringing God glory isn't about fitting anyone's story to anything. God will always be glorified, regardless of what we do.
I agree with a lot of what youa re saying. I do, however, believe that even though there is a consistent message in the church saying that we don't knopw all the answers and that life is a mystery that there is also a message out there there there is theological meta nattarive that can be transposed to every one's life. That life is hard, but if you jsut swtay faithful it will all work out. Its the modern Christian's carma. The truth is that faithfulness to God doesn't present blessings of relief (although at times they might), but blessings of intimacy and purpose. The certainty that I discuss here that the church presents is one of needing to be able to explain and predict. Sure, it is willing to acknowledge that life is hard, but theere is always a follow up that is intended to comfort the situation rather than the revelation.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, thanks for the thread. I eally appreciate your thoughts.
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