A REUNION

“They all have husbands and wives and children and house and dogs, and, you know, they’ve all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? ‘I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?’” (Marty Blank- Grosse Pointe Blank)

This weekend I went to the 75th anniversary celebration of the Wesley Foundation Reunion for the Wesley Foundation at Texas Tech University. I was there as an undergraduate from 1992-1997 and as a graduate student from 1999-2001. I wouldn’t say that The Wesley Foundation was a huge part of my life. I was fairly active I guess. Because of the excessive use of hugging, I typically showed up later than most. But I went to the weekly worship service, participated in a bible study or two, and went on a few Wesley trips including a couple of retreats and mission trips. My wife and I actually met on a Wesley mission trip to Costa Rica while I was there as a graduate student. But in the eight total years that I was associated with the Wesley Foundation as a student I only dated a few Wesley girls which means I couldn’t have been that involved. But it was still a very meaningful part of my life and spiritual development. I have many friendships today that originated out of my time at the Wesley Foundation. Matter of fact, despite the fact that the reunion brought together many eras of the Wesley Foundation, I was able to reconnect to some degree with many of them. It really was a great weekend that I feel very fortunate to have been a part of (bad grammar, I know).

However, as a part of my psychosis, I felt the need to systematically reflect on each thought and feeling I had during the reunion. The first and most frustrating to me was that I was never diagnosed with social anxiety disorder growing up. For an hour before the start of the reunion and first couple of hours of the reunion I felt completely paralyzed with self-doubt. I eventually was able to settle into celebration, but for the first half of the evening you could find me against the back wall hoping no one saw me. I also realized that even though I desperately want to re-engage with the church I just don’t know if I can handle a worship service on a regular basis. Forgive me if that is insulting, but there were so many elements of the first night worship service that I still struggle with. And it had nothing to do with the message, worship, or intentions of those in the room. It was just how it all came together. I could go one with other reflections, but there is one that I have been left reflecting on the most. Despite having a job that relatively enjoy and that I am fairly good at, I felt completely jealous of people who were able to share the ministry they are involved in. But my point here is not to complain, but to address a real problem of my recovery in Christianity: now that the cynicism has faded, yet the concerns remain, what do I do?

James Fowler developed a Faith Development Model which might give me some direction. Like most developmental models, Fowler’s model requires that the individual deal with tensions. Tensions would be two opposing possibilities that develop out of previous developmental stages. Stage 4 of his model is called Individuative-Reflective Faith. For those in this stage the tension is between one’s identity and ones world view. According to Fowler, an individual at the stage has established some sense of identity within his/ her faith in relation to family and other inner-circles of community, but has to now relate those ideas to a broader world view. The individual must, at this stage, take responsibility for those beliefs. Additionally, the individual must question the idea of absolute and engage in critical thinking. It is a tension between identity and the world. I feel fairly confident that I have emerged from this level of faith development successfully. I have, to the best of my ability, integrated the evangelical idealogies that I was raised on that I now have many problems with into a world view that is more inclusive, dynamic, and admittedly liberal. I am not arguing, nor would Fowler, that I have successfully resolved this tension based on my beliefs, but in my ability to integrate identity with world view to develop a new understanding of myself.

Stage 5 is known as Conjunctive faith and it involves, “the integration into self and outlook of much that was suppressed or unrecognized in the interest of Stage 4's self-certainty and conscious cognitive and affective adaptation to reality. This stage develops a ‘second naiveté’ (Ricoeur) in which symbolic power is reunited with conceptual meanings. Here there must also be a new reclaiming and reworking of one's past. There must be an opening to the voices of one's ‘deeper self.’” (Joann Wolski Conn) This stage’s primary function is to loosen the rigidity of certainty essential in Stage 4. It accepts and appreciates paradoxes, uncertainties, and contradictions. It’s focus in on meaning above knowledge.

For me I am somewhere between this resolved Stage 4 faith that has integrated self and others and a faith that fully embraces contradictions. I have possibly come to appreciate contradictions, but have yet to embrace them. Because I struggle with embracing yet still appreciate them I am drawn toward a ministry in the evangelical church but am just unsure what that means for me. It won’t be until this stage is resolved that I am able to truly understand my place within the church.

This could be the answer. Or maybe there is something more psychological to it. Maybe I am just too arrogant and cynical to risk losing control? Maybe it is spiritual and just won’t let the Spirit guide me? I actually think there could be truth in both of these. But I do know for those who have moved beyond the bitterness (even if they are not beyond the cynicism) of institutionalism and long to re-engage the church with more personal integrity the tension can be overwhelming. And so can being in a room full of ministers.