“Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’”. (Friedrich Nietzche)
I vividly remember that when I was thirteen I overheard a girl call me a nerd. When I write it on paper it seems crazy that I would still remember that, but what is crazier is that it still makes me feel a little embarrassed. That weak sense of self that I endured for a majority of my life has gained some shape, but is still pretty gelatinous. I have to admit that my self-image has always been linked to whatever I heard last about me. I have been able to gain some sense of stability and I have confidence that it will only increase, but regardless if I felt that I was the smartest person in the room at 11:00 or the most incompetent person on the planet at 11:30, I still struggle with an identity that is rooted in anything more substantial than my insecurities. This goes beyond my self-concept. Even a basic understanding of who I am is constantly on unsteady ground. I have identified that my strengths are in the analytical realm, that I am an extreme INTJ, that I wish I was a writer, and that being the best dad and husband I can be is more important to me than anything. But despite all the soul searching and self assessment, I am still not sure I having any better idea what makes me-me. And as much as I would like to think that this lack of identity is shaped by the ever evolving presence of God, whenever I hear new input from someone in any relevant form of authority say something about me (positive or negative) my relatively positive trajectory toward a stable identity in Christ looks more like the heart monitor of someone running a stress test. It isn’t that I feel that those things shouldn’t have an effect, but my response is often disproportionate to the new input.
In 2 Corinthians 5:17-21, scripture defines my identity clearly. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them.” I am above all else, a child of God transformed into His image with my own unique contribution to the His Kingdom. However, in the midst of that new found identity I must also navigate what that means. So while in one sense I am free to explore my identity within the boundary of my firm identity as a child of God, the extent of that boundary can at times be a little overwhelming. It is reassuring to know that ultimately any identity I find within that expanse is still relative to my lineage. Regardless of what I may or may not discover about whom I am, this life is still fairly meaningless in and of itself. The only real value knowing oneself has is how that identity shapes who we are already within the context of eternity. But still I wonder what I am to make of this time on earth and what it means for me to be transformed into the likeness of Christ.
To go back to Soren Kierkegaard’s definition of self that I posted a couple of weeks ago, self is one’s relation of itself to itself. To add a layer of complexity to this riddle, Kierkegaard also noted that the struggle to identify self is intensified by the fact that both who we are and who we want to become is constantly changing. What we are left with is the psychological dilemma of stage development and the inherent tensions that exist, the philosophical dilemma of existentialism, and the theological dilemma of balancing temporal and eternal identity. Let’s just add one more layer. Sociologically and anthropologically, our identity is shaped by the dynamic relationship of interactions. In ancient times, the self was nothing more than the individual within society. In many ways, the idea of self is a relatively new concept. But even today, community shapes us in profound ways. It is a legitimate argument to say that identity is nothing more than the ways we perceive ourselves in multiple contexts. From this perspective, my identity is constantly being reshaped by those with whom I commune with. But when you add this all up I am left with one of two conclusions. Either I have no single identity, but multiple identities being constantly shaped, sharpened, and transformed depending on which of the array of intrapersonal and interpersonal variables that I am interacting with. Or, I have no identity and instead have only interpretations of who I am depending on how I interpret my context.
This is an exhausting puzzle. Do I have but one identity that I must understand, reconcile the various identities that make me who I am, or concede to the idea that there is no “me” only the illusions of “me”? Here is what I am learning about this puzzle and my recovery in Christianity: there are probably no absolutes. The quest to know who one is is easily addressed within Christianity- a child of God. Yet, even though I agree, the quest must still continue. Modern Christianity has approached the quest for self from a relatively individualistic perspective. I am “this” or “that”. But scripture is written to the people of God. So rather, it should be WE are “this” or “that” in relation to God. But within the context of “we are this”, there must also be “I” in relation to each other and self. Point being- scripture doesn’t give us an answer to who we are, only who WE are in relation to God. It then, however, gives us direction in how to understand who “I” am in relation to others and self. But despite the identity “we” are given or the direction “I” am given, there also seems to be a deliberate misdirection from any firm identity we are to assume. So while modern Christianity seeks to place us on solid ground when it comes to identity, scripture seems to loosely anchor us to something much more fluid.
I vividly remember that when I was thirteen I overheard a girl call me a nerd. When I write it on paper it seems crazy that I would still remember that, but what is crazier is that it still makes me feel a little embarrassed. That weak sense of self that I endured for a majority of my life has gained some shape, but is still pretty gelatinous. I have to admit that my self-image has always been linked to whatever I heard last about me. I have been able to gain some sense of stability and I have confidence that it will only increase, but regardless if I felt that I was the smartest person in the room at 11:00 or the most incompetent person on the planet at 11:30, I still struggle with an identity that is rooted in anything more substantial than my insecurities. This goes beyond my self-concept. Even a basic understanding of who I am is constantly on unsteady ground. I have identified that my strengths are in the analytical realm, that I am an extreme INTJ, that I wish I was a writer, and that being the best dad and husband I can be is more important to me than anything. But despite all the soul searching and self assessment, I am still not sure I having any better idea what makes me-me. And as much as I would like to think that this lack of identity is shaped by the ever evolving presence of God, whenever I hear new input from someone in any relevant form of authority say something about me (positive or negative) my relatively positive trajectory toward a stable identity in Christ looks more like the heart monitor of someone running a stress test. It isn’t that I feel that those things shouldn’t have an effect, but my response is often disproportionate to the new input.
In 2 Corinthians 5:17-21, scripture defines my identity clearly. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them.” I am above all else, a child of God transformed into His image with my own unique contribution to the His Kingdom. However, in the midst of that new found identity I must also navigate what that means. So while in one sense I am free to explore my identity within the boundary of my firm identity as a child of God, the extent of that boundary can at times be a little overwhelming. It is reassuring to know that ultimately any identity I find within that expanse is still relative to my lineage. Regardless of what I may or may not discover about whom I am, this life is still fairly meaningless in and of itself. The only real value knowing oneself has is how that identity shapes who we are already within the context of eternity. But still I wonder what I am to make of this time on earth and what it means for me to be transformed into the likeness of Christ.
To go back to Soren Kierkegaard’s definition of self that I posted a couple of weeks ago, self is one’s relation of itself to itself. To add a layer of complexity to this riddle, Kierkegaard also noted that the struggle to identify self is intensified by the fact that both who we are and who we want to become is constantly changing. What we are left with is the psychological dilemma of stage development and the inherent tensions that exist, the philosophical dilemma of existentialism, and the theological dilemma of balancing temporal and eternal identity. Let’s just add one more layer. Sociologically and anthropologically, our identity is shaped by the dynamic relationship of interactions. In ancient times, the self was nothing more than the individual within society. In many ways, the idea of self is a relatively new concept. But even today, community shapes us in profound ways. It is a legitimate argument to say that identity is nothing more than the ways we perceive ourselves in multiple contexts. From this perspective, my identity is constantly being reshaped by those with whom I commune with. But when you add this all up I am left with one of two conclusions. Either I have no single identity, but multiple identities being constantly shaped, sharpened, and transformed depending on which of the array of intrapersonal and interpersonal variables that I am interacting with. Or, I have no identity and instead have only interpretations of who I am depending on how I interpret my context.
This is an exhausting puzzle. Do I have but one identity that I must understand, reconcile the various identities that make me who I am, or concede to the idea that there is no “me” only the illusions of “me”? Here is what I am learning about this puzzle and my recovery in Christianity: there are probably no absolutes. The quest to know who one is is easily addressed within Christianity- a child of God. Yet, even though I agree, the quest must still continue. Modern Christianity has approached the quest for self from a relatively individualistic perspective. I am “this” or “that”. But scripture is written to the people of God. So rather, it should be WE are “this” or “that” in relation to God. But within the context of “we are this”, there must also be “I” in relation to each other and self. Point being- scripture doesn’t give us an answer to who we are, only who WE are in relation to God. It then, however, gives us direction in how to understand who “I” am in relation to others and self. But despite the identity “we” are given or the direction “I” am given, there also seems to be a deliberate misdirection from any firm identity we are to assume. So while modern Christianity seeks to place us on solid ground when it comes to identity, scripture seems to loosely anchor us to something much more fluid.
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