I believe one of the reasons I struggle with faith versus desire is that I have always been taught it was one or the other. There were always principles or steps to follow. I was taught a Christian looks like “x”. I was never given room to wrestle with God. As I understood faith development previously, struggle is bad. We are supposed to avoid or at least overcome struggle. Christian maturity within the institution means that we no longer struggle with sin, doubt, and frustration. We are victorious. There are two problems with this. First, it’s wrong. We are to engage in struggle, not avoid it. Secondly, struggle is inevitable. Regardless of how many sermons and books are written about how to overcome sin and struggle, steps to holy living, or victory in Jesus people are going to continue to struggle with these issues. In fact, as we develop in our faith, even if everything goes just right, we will be challenged with new areas of sin. That is why Paul was able to say, despite his obvious righteousness, that he considered himself the chief of sinners. When the institution competes with other institutions by giving the easiest and most desirable answers to life then people will (and incidentally have) become frustrated with the church. Additionally, I believed that to express any concern for my relationship with Christ that went past what I needed to repent of was received as heresy. Intimacy is hard. Developing a relationship is hard. It doesn’t matter if you are talking about developing intimacy with God or your spouse or your kids. The greatest value of intimacy is in that it is hard. Religion doesn’t allow for this type of frustration. It allows for you to admit your inadequacies, but that is all. Our identity is not directly linked to what we end up looking like as a Christian, but our existential understanding of who Christ is in us. It is not always what we wish it would be and there will be times we wish we could cut and run, but it is in working through these struggles we develop intimacy and find something amazing. That doesn’t mean just sticking it out, but by actively engaging God in the process of our reconciliation.
Sin, as it is usually defined, causes guilt and frustration that neither helps us to grow nor bring glory to God. When we decide it is time to start getting back on track we first feel shame and ask for forgiveness repeatedly believing we have to convince God to offer it again to us. Then we realized how old covenant this is. So we earnestly asked for forgiveness, repent, and strived to allow God to reveal how He wants us to grow. What has marked contemporary Christianity, my own journey included, is a dysfunctional system which defines a relationship with God by the willingness to feel like a sinner. That doesn’t mean repentance isn’t needed or that an emotional experience isn’t called for, but it does mean we are not called to continue to seek forgiveness as if it is something we must earn, but to live in our new identity which is marked by intimacy and purpose. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying about forgiveness though. Asking for forgiveness is critically important when we betray our Father. When my kids are openly defiant toward me I expect some form of asking for forgiveness, but it is not because my love for them is dependent on it nor is our relationship. Asking for forgiveness situates us back into an intimate relationship. It is a healthy dynamic of repentance. But it is a restored relationship and greater obedience I long for, not that my sons feel guilty about what they have done. That is just sadistic. We are a new creation. We are seen as holy in the eyes of God. And we are being sanctified. We are in the process of becoming a new creation. We are seen as being holy in the eyes of God. These ideas don’t contradict each other. They speak to the intricacies of intimate relationships. But contemporary faith, even among those that speak often of sanctification, approach a bond with God as if all there was is justification. Something better is out there. All that is required is that we respond.
My ministry, at the professional and interpersonal level was marked by either simply dealing with the sin in people’s lives or by dismissing the sin in favor of focusing simply on knowing Jesus, depending on where I was with my own inner struggle. I would attempt to guide people, namely youth and young adults, into the paradigm of Christian maturity that served the institution more than the individual. I believed it served the individual at the time because that is how, in fact, I perceived Christian maturity. But it was more honestly about perpetuating an institutional ideal of happy, well adjusted individuals who were willing and able to serve. I was attempting to meet their needs, but I was more often than not meeting their wants. In order to keep the church, Christianity, and even Christ in a favorable light I would reiterate the same garbage over and over. I minimized and discouraged the struggle and highlighted the sin. And at all costs I promoted the Kingdom of God through conquest. As I have moved to new understanding of intimacy and purpose I am beginning to see ministry in new ways. It is a process of partnering with God and one another in the journey. It is promoting righteousness, but holding the ultimate goal as reconciliation. Ministry is about promoting social and community justice and promoting virtue, but it is not my role to manipulate or control people to forming them in my image of holiness. Ministry is walking with the person in whatever way I am called to walk with him or her without a personal agenda. I pray that as I develop as a minister I embrace a truer message of Christ. One where the minister is a humble ambassador using what gifts and talents God so determines I should use in the spirit of love and understanding without judgment or personal agenda.
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